Some of you may have noticed my long absence from the vine in past months - or not... But for those who did notice, I offer this simple explanation: I drunkenly stumbled into a space/time wormhole while walking down the street last October and have living in the year 2042 for the past few months - I've only recently discovered a way to return. My friends, I have to tell you, just as George Carlin prophesized in the 1989 movie "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure", life in the future really is excellent. Bowling scores ARE up and mini golf scores ARE down. Excellent waterslides are ubiquitous. Most importantly we all live/will live in a paradise where there is/will be clean air and water, where there are/will be no homeless, where religion finally has been/will be banished from politics and where everyone's medical needs are/will be met. In 2042, civil rights for ALL our citizens are/will be not only guaranteed but celebrated and the economy is/will be booming but also green. Needless to say, what is refered to in 2042 as the "Great Right Wing Meltdown" of 2008 - 2017 with all its upheavals and attempted right wing militia coups is/will be far in the past; the GOP has been/will be outlawed and its ringleaders have been/will be killed (those involved in the coup attempts), marginalized or banished to their well-stocked bunkers.
All of this is a rather lengthy, though necessary set up for the real point to this article, and I apologize for my tardiness in getting to it. The "Great Right Wing Meltdown," AKA the "Great National Embarrassment" spawned numerous changes to our great, ever changing and adaptive mother tongue, and I just so happens to be in possession of the 2042 version of the Webster's Galactic Dictionary. As such I can offer actual examples from 2042, so in keeping with the promise of this article's title I offer the following for your edification, amazement and hopefully amusement. (Oh, and before someone asks "If the future is so great why'd ya come back?' the answer is simple; I missed my dogs. Besides the wormhole is stable, so in short order I'm blowing this popsickle stand and heading back to 2042).
Huck'a'bee (Huhk ah bee) Noun, Huck'a'bean Adjective
1. Marginalized hypocrite (n) Use: "The Governor whined about chicken while allowing xtian extremists to impose xtian sharia, but was widely ignored - he was a real huckabee.
2. Foolishly focused on the trivial while oblivious of larger issues (adj) Use: The Governor spewed forth an apoplectic, huckabean diatribe condemning gay marriage while nugentian (see entry below) militias invaded the capital.
Mi'trom'ney (Mih trom nih) Noun, Mi'trom'nian Adjective
1. Hopelessly out of touch buffoon (n) Use: "The Governor turned out to be a real mitromney and was subsequently defeated in the next election.
2. Out of touch, disoriented, inappropriate (adj) Use: The Governor issued a mitromnian response to the reporter's question and was subsequently widely mocked as a true coulter. (see entry below)
Coul'ter (Kohl tur) Noun
Nu'gent (New jent) Noun Nu'gent'ian Adjective
1. Useless, washed up has-been (n) Use: The ageing, pedophilic (it's a word in 2042) rock star tried to remain relevant through increasingly bizarre and disgusting behavior but it was too late - everyone except his bunker-livin' backwoods, bucktoothed, buttf**k buddies dismissed him as a nugent.
2. Unevolved, racist, treasonous, ignorant (adj) Use: The nugentian militias attemped a coup d'etat against the legitimately elected government but were thwarted when they couldn't spell or pronounce coup d'etat; disparaging the term as "elitist" and "French," they subsequently retreated to their bunkers well-armed with bibles they couldn't read.
O'ba'ma (Oh Bah Mah) Noun O'Ba'mian Adjective (NOTE: Editorial Comments to follow)
1. Savior* (n) Use: "We are the worshippers in the grove, the dancers in the hills; Cerrunos is our Lord and Obama."
Editorial comments 1: Right wingers often used the term "savior" in a disparaging sense with regard to President B.H. Obama during and after the Great National Embarrassment of 2008-2017. The term was subsequently adopted as a badge of honor by left wing patriot militias during their sucessful bid to defeat right wing forces during the coup attempts of 2013-14, much in the way the term "yankee" was co-opted during the War of 1812. More interestingly, then ex-president Obama actually did save the Republic during the Limbaugh/Nugent "Anal Cystian/Piss-Pot Revolt" of 2017. Acting on behalf of President Hillary Clinton, he led counter-revolutionary forces in expelling nugentian militias that had occupied key positions surrounding Washington DC. Thus the ironic term "savior" became reality, and statues of "President B.H Obama the Great" are now common across the US and the world. Interestingly, in 2042 the now tamed xtians often use the term obama as well, as in "Jesus Christ is our Lord, Sheppard and Obama."
2. Not Muslim, Communist or Foreign born (adj)
3. Brilliiantly intellectual, understated and restrained, especially in the face of vile, repulsive, racist opposition; statesmanlike (adj) Use: The President's response to his conservative opponent's hateful invective was truly Obamian.
Note: Obama and Obamian are always capitalized.